Traditions
by Jessica Scott
Summary: Remus and Sirius' Christmas tradition throughout the years.


**Disclaimer**: (boring recitation mode on) I do not own anything or anyone in the HP universe. It all belongs to JK Rowling. I'm just playing with her creations. No money was or ever will be made from this. (boring recitation mode off)

**Archives**: Wolf and Hound, Azkaban's Lair, anyone who wants it (just let me know so I can visit it)

**Spoilers**: All six books so far.

**Summary**: Response to Lani's 2005 Christmas Challenge: "PG-13ish... Angsty/poignant (with a bit of hope?) Those silly Order members, forgetting that Harry wasn't the only one affected by Sirius's death. Harry and some Order members are witness to a Christmas tradition that Remus has kept a secret for years, one that he shared with Sirius. They finally learn the truth about Remus, Sirius, and joint Christmas presents... Bonus points if that whole Tonks thing can make a bit more sense."

**A/N**: This is my first ever slash fic (even though it's not at all graphic), so let me know how I did and if there's anything I can improve.

Christmas, 1971

Gryffindor Tower was nearly deserted owing to the fact that most students had gone home for the holidays. The only remaining occupants were two first years: Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. Remus' parents had decided to visit relatives in France and left their son to spend his Christmas at school. Sirius' family hadn't been on speaking terms with him since he was sorted into Gryffindor – because one really couldn't count Howlers as speaking terms – and he was rather glad to stay at Hogwarts and avoid what would certainly have been a miserable holiday at home.

At first, having run of the tower had been a novel amusement. They'd found out that without any girls present, the stairs up to the girls' dormitories didn't really care who climbed them. This resulted in Sirius convincing Remus to help him raid the girls' rooms, switching clothing and various possessions between different years' dorms. However, a subsequent appraisal of their handiwork revealed that house elves are very good at remembering the exact placement of everything in their appointed rooms and replacing items accordingly.

What seemed like several thousand games of gobstones, wizard chess, and exploding snap later, both boys were bored stiff. It was Christmas Eve, and Remus thought it terribly sacrilegious to be contemplating murder on a religious high holiday, but if Sirius didn't stop throwing wads of paper at him every few seconds – well, the date could be forgotten momentarily… These thoughts suddenly ground to an abrupt halt though, as he finally realized that Sirius had indeed stopped the barrage of paper.

Glancing up from his Transfiguration book, Remus noticed a contemplative expression on his friend's face. Wincing inwardly even as the words left his mouth, he asked, "What are you planning?"

A grin spread across Sirius' face, and he stood from his chair by the fireplace. Crossing to the sofa where Remus sat, he grasped Remus' wrist and hauled him up, causing the book to tumble unceremoniously to the floor. "I have an idea," was all he would say as he dragged the other boy across the common room and out the portrait hole.

Several minutes and a near run-in with Filch later, the two boys emerged onto the snow-covered roof of the Astronomy Tower. Remus stood shivering as Sirius set out to clear a place to sit with a melting charm. "Wh-what are w-we doing up here?" Remus asked, teeth chattering.

"We're going to stargaze," Sirius replied simply, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. He then plopped down onto the cleared patch of roof and motioned for Remus to join him.

Sighing in defeat, the other boy sat and unabashedly huddled as close to the warmth of Sirius' body as possible. "We couldn't have gotten cloaks first?" he grumbled.

It was possible that Sirius didn't hear him, but it was much more likely that he chose to ignore the remark. "Hey, look at that," he said instead, pointing up to the sky.

"What?"

"There. That constellation. It's Kneazle Major."

Remus' brow furrowed as he turned to his companion. "Sirius, there's no such constellation as Kneazle Major…"

"Sure there is," he replied with certainty. "It's right there above Kneazle Minor." He began gesturing towards the stars as he continued. "Those two are the points of its ears. There are its eyes. Those few there run along his back down to his tail."

Remus looked at his friend for a few moments thinking perhaps he'd drank something a Slytherin gave him, before catching the mischievous glint in his eyes. Shaking his head and smiling slightly, Remus decided to play the game.

A competition soon ensued to determine who could come up with the strangest constellation. He had to be able to prove its existence with the locations of stars, but the game was enjoyable and soon both boys had forgotten about their earlier boredom and the cold.

Christmas, 1972

Flu had swept Hogwarts, and Remus, the latest victim, was too ill to go home for the holidays. He'd held himself together long enough to take all of his pre-holiday exams, but soon after them his determination proved no match for the illness. He'd just walked out of the History of Magic exam when he literally collapsed in the corridor. Sirius and James had each taken an arm to haul him off to the hospital wing as Peter trailed behind them with his book bag.

Since then he'd spent all of his time in bed. At first it hadn't bothered him. He felt so badly that he mostly slept. Eventually, though he began to get well again. That was when the boredom began to set in.

Sirius, the only other Marauder staying for holidays, tried to keep Remus occupied. But it quickly became apparent that his dark-haired friend had way too much energy to spend all day and night cooped up in the second years' dormitory.

At the moment, Sirius was down at the Christmas Eve Dinner with all the other students who were staying and were not in bed with the flu. Remus sighed and was about to pick up a book from his nightstand when the door burst open and a black blur came rushing toward him. Sirius landed on the foot of Remus' bed with a great 'thump,' and a cascade of sweets spilled from the front of his shirt, which had been made into a makeshift basket.

"Quick, eat up," he said breathlessly. "You'll need some sugar to keep your strength up if we're going."

"Going where?" Remus asked, reaching for a chocolate frog.

"To the roof of the Astronomy Tower, of course. It's a tradition, Moony, and traditions must be upheld," he said solemnly.

Remus had paused with the chocolate frog only a millimeter away from his lips. He just gaped at Sirius in surprise for a few seconds before his brain could process his friend's words. "Sirius, I'm just now starting to get over this flu… I'm not going up onto the freezing cold roof with you."

Remus may as well have not said anything. Sirius stood from the bed and began rummaging through Remus' trunk for pants and a warm sweater. Finding them, he turned back to his friend and forcibly dressed him as Remus just spluttered in shock at the way he was being manhandled. He then shoved a pair of slippers onto Remus' feet and gathered their two cloaks, wrapping them both securely around Remus as he maneuvered him out the door.

"Sirius…" he began protesting weakly.

"Don't worry," Sirius assured him, "I looked up an excellent warming charm this time."

Christmas, 1973

For the first time, all four Marauders were spending the holidays at Hogwarts. After the Christmas Eve Dinner the boys were thoroughly stuffed with sweets as they headed back to Gryffindor Tower.

Suddenly, Sirius pulled Remus aside as they began ascending one of the many staircases along their route. "We going tonight?" he inquired.

Remus didn't need him to explain further; he knew Sirius meant to the roof again this year. "Sure. Let me see what James and Peter think," he said and started up the stairs to catch the other two boys.

A strong grip on his sleeve halted him though. He turned to find Sirius looking – well, serious and chewing his lower lip thoughtfully. His voice was very quiet when he spoke. "It's our thing. Let's just keep it the two of us, okay?"

"Okay," Remus agreed with a slight smile to reassure his friend. Inside he was beaming. It wasn't very often that Sirius Black chose anyone else's company over that of James Potter, and Remus took it as a sign that perhaps he and Sirius were better friends than he realized.

Christmas, 1975

Christmas this year had the potential to be disastrous for Remus Lupin. The full moon fell precisely on December 24, ensuring that he would be the wolf for Christmas Eve and dead tired Christmas Day. What saved his holiday though, was the fact that earlier in the school term, his three friends had mastered the Animagus transformation. The presence of his pack made the change almost bearable.

Though Prongs and Wormtail had both gone home to be with their families, Sirius had assured Remus that based upon their past – albeit few – experiences, Padfoot could handle Moony on his own.

As the sunlight faded away and the moonrise approached, Remus looked down into the silver-blue eyes of the huge black dog. A peaceful smile spread across his face. "Thank you, my friend," he told the dog, just before the change took him.

Screams and howls rent the air for what seemed an eternity but was actually only a few minutes. When the sounds died, the dog moved forward and licked the wolf's muzzle in an affectionate gesture of pack solidarity. The wolf returned the sentiment before following the dog out into the pristine white snow.

The dog paused for a moment and raised its eyes to the sky. The wolf did so, as well, and the two canines let out resounding howls of joy at the glistening stars above.

Christmas, 1976

Remus didn't know what he was doing up here on the Astronomy Tower on Christmas Eve. It seemed silly to carry on a tradition that was supposed to be something that bonded two friends together. Sirius had proved that he couldn't be trusted and couldn't be counted as a friend. 'Traitor,' was all Remus could think whenever he heard Sirius' name.

Surprisingly, James and Peter had been as neutral as possible in the ensuing breakdown of their once-close pack. Each had been careful to show support to Sirius and Remus both, and they cautiously refrained from mentioning one to the other.

It seemed that after his initial stint of constant apology and begging for forgiveness had failed to induce Remus' sympathy and absolution, Sirius had decided that he was now the wronged party. His temper flared every time James suggested he try talking to Remus again. 'Prat,' Remus thought, as he mused over the reversal of Sirius' behavior.

James and Peter were gone for the holidays, as they usually were. This meant that no real buffer existed between him and Sirius anymore. He supposed that was part of the reason he was out here. He just needed to be away from Sirius.

He was so lost in his thoughts that the sound of the Astronomy Tower door opening and closing again didn't even register. Suddenly there was warmth encircling his shoulders. He hadn't even realized that he was shivering. Remus didn't look to see who was now sitting next to him. He already knew. Sirius' scent enveloped him just as his cloak did. And he knew that Sirius had sacrificed his own cloak because Remus had failed to grab his as he fled the dorm that evening.

The two boys sat in silence for a long time, and slowly Remus became aware of Sirius shivering. Without a second thought, Remus opened one side of the cloak and drew Sirius under it and close to his side. He knew his grip on the other boy was probably uncomfortably tight, but the emotion washing over him made it impossible to let go. That one act of selflessness had said more to him than all of Sirius' apologies and pleas for forgiveness.

Remus muttered a warming charm as Sirius sobbed out his grief and his relief onto Remus' shoulder.

Christmas, 1977

Two boys stumbled their way to the top of the Astronomy Tower, Firewhiskey bottles in hand. Though neither would ever admit it, they were both giggling like first year girls at something neither could remember only a few moments after they'd discovered it to be funny.

After several slurred tries, Remus managed the words to a melting charm to clear a space for them to sit. Well, lounge may have been a more appropriate description, as they both sort of collapsed into a half-reclining position against a sloping part of the roof.

Neither bothered to perform a warming charm, as the Firewhiskey seemed to have that particular concern covered. After a few lungfuls of the fresh, cool air, their heads were more clear, and they remembered their reason for coming up to the roof on Christmas Eve.

Turning their eyes skyward, they willed the stars to stand still for a little while so they could sort them into some sort of shape that wasn't swirling. It was apparently Sirius who got the stars to behave first. "Oi, Moony, look there," he exclaimed with an exaggerated hand gesture to a spot somewhere above their heads. "I see Uranus."

Even in his inebriated state, Remus quickly reacted with the appropriate groan and elbow to Sirius' stomach that the bad pun required. Sirius was not to be deterred, however. In fact, his sightings of constellations kept getting more bizarre and crude as the night progressed.

Eventually, even Remus couldn't suppress the laughter at his friend's antics. After a particularly horrendous story about an amorous hag and an unfortunate grindylow, Remus found himself laughing so hard that he toppled over onto the boy beside him.

Sirius' breathing all but stopped when Remus' weight landed on his chest. The werewolf was still chuckling softly from his new position, but all Sirius could focus on was the searing warmth spreading rapidly over his skin. He knew he had to be blushing furiously, but he didn't really care at the moment. His heart was beating so hard, he was sure Remus could feel it, too.

As Remus raised his head, their eyes locked, steely blue to honey brown. It wasn't clear who moved forward, but one of them did and they were suddenly kissing. One of Sirius' hands tangled in Remus' shaggy brown locks causing the other boy to moan. Sirius seized this opportunity to invade Remus' parted lips, and soon their tongues were dueling, tasting Firewhiskey and desire.

Remus brought one of his legs around to straddle Sirius' hips, and his friend helped to seat him in his lap as they both settled in for a nice, long snog.

Christmas, 1981

It was Remus' first Christmas alone. His parents were dead. James and Lily were dead. Peter was dead. And Sirius… Sirius was worse than dead. He had betrayed them again.

Remus took another swig of Firewhiskey as the pain in his heart stabbed just a little sharper at the thought of his lover. 'Former lover,' he corrected himself. He had honestly believed that after the Shack incident, Sirius was sincere in his vows never to betray him again. Prat seemed a woefully insufficient insult to hurl at him this time.

In fact, Remus was more prone to hurl insults at himself these days. As he thought about the last few months before the events at Godric's Hollow, he came to the realization that he should have done something sooner. Sirius had been acting strangely for a while, but he'd never been able to get up the nerve to go to James with his suspicions. He just couldn't let himself believe that the man he loved would betray not only him again, but the friend who was more his brother and his wife and child, as well.

The overwhelming loneliness felt suffocating at the moment. He looked down at the Firewhiskey in one hand and the bottle of liquid silver in the other and noticed that both were trembling. He hadn't realized he was cold, but then again, he was sitting on the frozen ground outside his ancestral cottage in the middle of winter.

Remus drank some more of the alcohol to warm himself some and contemplated the other bottle. He could end it all right here with a few quick swallows. He set the Firewhiskey bottle down beside him and reached for the cork sealing in the silver. As he tilted his head back, preparing to bring the liquid to his lips, his eyes were drawn to a familiar twinkling in the sky.

The Dog Star shone brightly, and it was that single star that changed Remus' mind. He absentmindedly resealed the bottle, as his gaze remained locked on that point of light. "You've destroyed so many lives, Sirius," he sighed. "I won't let you destroy mine. Not again."

Without another glance at the heavens, Remus made his way back into the house.

Christmas, 1993

A lone figure graced the roof of the Hogwarts Astronomy Tower on Christmas Eve. Remus had battled with himself all during dinner, convincing himself that he was not coming up here. However, as he left the Great Hall, his feet seemed to bring him here of their own accord.

Though his gaze determinedly avoided Canis Major, his thoughts were exclusively of Sirius. He couldn't help but wonder if Sirius even cared about all the Marauders went through together – all the two of them went through together. He supposed not, since the man had broken out of Azkaban to kill his own godson.

Shaking his head at his own foolishness in coming here, Remus stood and left the roof to return to his rooms and try to put these thoughts out of his mind.

Christmas, 1994

It had been over a decade since Remus last enjoyed Christmas, and especially Christmas Eve. He sat on a small stone bench in the frozen garden of his cottage warmed by a charm and a feeling of hope that he hadn't had in such a long time. As his eyes turned skyward, Remus' gaze went straight to the Dog Star. Sirius was innocent; he hadn't betrayed them. He hadn't betrayed Remus. This thought kept him smiling all through the night as he admired the stars and hoped that Sirius was doing well on the run.

Christmas, 1995 

Though Sirius hated 12 Grimmauld Place with a fiery passion, Christmas had made him happier than most had seen him since before Azkaban. For Remus, however, this year's holidays were the most depressing he'd experienced since that horrible one in 1981.

It was Christmas Eve, and Remus had found Sirius early in the evening adding yet more tinsel to the tree in the library. "Are we going, Sirius?" Remus asked.

"Going where?" Sirius asked, looking perplexed.

Remus smiled. "To the attic, of course. It's too dangerous to have you out on the roof…"

Sirius' brow furrowed. "Why would we go to the roof? Or the attic?"

Remus' smile faltered just a bit. "You can't think of any reason for the two of us to be out on a roof on Christmas Eve?"

Suddenly, Sirius' face split into a wide grin. He pulled Remus into a strong hug and planted a kiss on his stubbly cheek. "If you wanted to snog, all you had to do was say so."

Remus tried not to let his disappointment show as he allowed himself to be led to the room that for general appearances the two were not sharing.

Now Remus lay with Sirius' head pillowed on his shoulder and listened to his lover snore softly. Through the ratty curtain over the window, Remus could make out a thin strip of star-filled sky. He wasn't sure who the pain in his chest was really for: himself or Sirius. Azkaban had taken countless memories away from Sirius; this was just one of many.

Sighing, Remus kissed the head of coal-black hair and allowed himself to drift off to sleep.

Christmas, 1996

Even with the memory of the previous Christmas Eve still bruising his heart, Remus couldn't help but wish Sirius could be here to celebrate his favorite holiday. He sat in the Burrow surrounded by Weasleys and adopted Weasleys, occasionally catching glimpses of the stars out one of the windows.

His thoughts drifted to nights long ago during their Hogwarts days that neither knew would play such an import role in their relationship. He drifted out of his reverie when Harry's voice broke into his memories and tried to concentrate on those around him instead of ghosts.

Christmas, 1997

Harry and Tonks had been searching the castle since right after the Hogwarts Christmas Eve Feast. Even with the enormous number of students that stayed at the heavily guarded school for holidays now, Remus Lupin had been conspicuously absent at dinner. It occurred to Harry only about twenty minutes ago that this would have been a much easier search had he thought to use the Marauders' Map, but by the time that thought came to him, they'd already spent several hours searching and were nearly done with the castle.

They opened the door to the Astronomy Tower and were immediately assaulted by a whipping wind that blew already-fallen snow into the stairwell. They were about to turn around and finish their search elsewhere when Tonks noticed a dark shape amidst a couple of snowdrifts. Taking a few steps forward, she realized the shape was a person. "Merlin!" she cried rushing forward to the still form of Remus, Harry following quickly behind.

There were several Firewhiskey bottles around him, and he was almost blue with cold. Tonks suspected that his warming charm had given out sometime after he'd already passed out from the alcohol.

Harry used Levicorpus to get Remus down to the hospital wing where Madame Pomfrey complained quite vocally about what Remus had done to himself. The full moon had only been a few days before, and they all worried about his ability to recover when still not healed from the transformation.

It was three days later when Remus finally awoke in a hospital bed to find Tonks dozing in a chair nearby. As he shifted into a sitting position, she woke and nearly cut off his air supply with the strength of her hug to his neck. She quickly went to get Pomfrey, and while the mediwitch busied herself checking on the status of her patient, Tonks went to get the other members of the Order that had been taking it in turns to keep a silent vigil over Remus.

Harry, McGonagall, Hermione, Ginny, and Tonks took various positions sitting and standing around the bed. Not surprisingly, it was McGonagall who started the questions. "What in the world were you thinking, Mr. Lupin?"

Remus suppressed a smile at the feeling of being a first year in detention again that her tone evoked. "I was carrying on a tradition," he replied softly.

"A what?" Hermione asked.

"A Christmas tradition that Sirius and I had."

"Getting drunk on the roof?" Ginny inquired boldly.

"Not exactly." He smiled sadly as he continued, "Every Christmas Eve from the time we were first years until the time Sirius was sent to Azkaban, we stargazed. It began our close friendship. It healed the rift after the Prank. It prompted our first kiss."

There were shocked faces all around after that statement, but it was Tonks' gasp that drew Remus' attention. "Sirius and I were together from seventh year until Azkaban and from a year after he escaped until he…" His voice broke then, and he couldn't say the word. "Until he fell."

He gently took one of Tonks' hands in both of his. "That is another reason I feel we don't belong together. I realized while I was up on the roof that I've always loved Sirius Black, and I always will. I _can't_ believe that he's dead. I can't make myself go on living if I believe that." He squeezed her hand reassuringly as he recognized acceptance in her gaze. "I'm sorry, Dora."

She smiled as she leaned in to kiss his cheek. "I understand, Remus."

The rest of the group had remained silent during the entire exchange, but as Remus turned his gaze to Harry, he noticed tears welling in the young man's eyes. "Harry?"

Harry suddenly had flung his arms about Remus' neck. "I'm sorry, Remus. I never even thought about how much you must miss him."

"I miss them all, Harry. But after this war is over, I will dedicate myself to finding him and bringing him home," Remus vowed.

Harry pulled away from Remus, and looked him square in the eye. "We both will."

Finis.


End file.
